Domestic Geek

Here I sit...far from bright-eyed and busy-tailed (where did that expression come from, anyways?)

I was up quite late last night. I've written before how I can't sleep very well when Marcus isn't home. I haven't been sleeping well period lately. Between the stress I'm under, my weight, our neighbors, the local wildlife, the dog and Marcus' alarm, I can't remember the last time I slept uninterrupted for more than 4 hours.

I took every precaution I could to get as much sleep as possible. I spent an hour trying to figure out how to turn off his darned alarm. He's got one of those cool Timex Atomic Time clocks that keeps in sync with the Atomic Clock in Boulder, I'm guessing. It's awesome after a power outage because it will be correct within a few seconds. The bad thing...you need a mechanical engineering degree to work the darned thing. I doubt the paper copy of the instructions that came with it still exist in our household. Marcus' position is that, "Instructions are for girls." Yeah, well, hello? I am one. A search on the Timex site produced nothing. I can only get instructions for the watches currently being sold, it seems. You think they'd archive the old ones somewhere. I finally found a guy on the internet that was as frustrated as I with the convoluted process of setting the alarm. Fortunately, he scanned the instructions and I printed them out. Yay!!! I decided to let the dog have free roam of the house so he wouldn't pant all night. I went to the bathroom so my bladder wouldn't wake me up.

All for naught. I woke up at about the same time Marcus' alarm would've gone off. Boooooo! I tried to go back to sleep. By then, the dog knew I had stirred and he wanted to go out. I GIVE UP!

Marcus and Mike left a little while ago for their annual Pikes Peak hike. Nina and I normally go along and spend the day hanging out in the Springs until it is time to pick them up at the summit. I just wasn't in the mood this year. So, I'm all alone at the homestead this evening and almost all day tomorrow. If I had money, I'd order myself in a pizza. *sigh* Oh, well.

Being unemployed really, really sucks. I don't see how people can stand being in this state for very long. It's been thee weeks since my last day and I'm going CRAZY! My new job is out there, I just need to find it. I have skills that want to be used.

I have decided I am NOT doing this freelance thing. Not right now, anyway. I still want to own my own business of some kind, but the time is not right. I really need the stability and security of full time job. Come on, employers, you want me!

So it hit me today while I was out having lunch with my dad today at Wendy's that I'm going to be 40 in a little over six weeks. When in the heck did that happen? Wasn't I just heading off to college? No, that happened 22 years ago! Didn't I just set my mind on getting Marcus (14 years ago)? The last 10 years of my life, especially, have gone by in a blink. I think it's because I've spent so much of it in a fog. When my mother went into a diabetic coma in November 1996, my life changed forever. I got really angry, I shut down emotionally except for lashing out at people, I became a recluse, I stopped really trying to live. I kept going to school to occupy my brain to keep from having to face things because I was too busy. I've gone though the motions of living, true. I continue to breathe and muddle through day to day, but I stopped dreaming and hoping and really feeling. I took on the attitude of "why bother?" I'll probably be dead in another 10 years or so, too. What was the point of putting effort into what you want when you won't be around anyway? I'm so grateful that Marcus stuck with me through all of that. Who knows what would've happened had he left.

It's only been in the last few months that I truly realized what I had been doing to myself. I feel a little tinge of regret of all the time I've wasted wallowing in my despair, for all the times I settled for less than I wanted, for all the opportunites that I turned my back on. I've been trying to be better. This week was hard. I can contribute some of that to good old Aunt Flo, but I did have a horrible episode of despair and depression a couple of days ago. I reached out and enjoyed myself last week only to totally turn inward and avoid people this week. It's frustrating.

Well, I guess I'd better go to bed. I'll do some reading until Marcus gets home.

I can't sleep. Too much stuff in my head and all of it making me want to cry.

Well, I stopped in at Platt and the placement woman is definitely gone. They haven't even begun looking for her replacement, though. Great. Thanks for nothing.

I'm in a horrible, defeatist mood. I hope it's just the result of PMS or something. I wish I could run away and hide.